I Have To Know
by silent-five
Summary: Claire needs to know if Charlie can remember anything helpful about when they were captured by Ethan. Takes place during Maternity Leave.


Title: I Have To Know  
Author: Jessa teh Fangirl  
Rating: PG  
Fandom: LOST  
Pairing: Charlie//Claire  
Spoilers: Up to and including Maternity Leave, especially Fire + Water.  
Summary: Claire needs to know if Charlie can remember anything helpful about when they were captured by Ethan.

- -- --- ---- --- -- -

I have to know. Aaron's in danger and this could help him. For my baby I ignore all the warning bells going off in my head. Kate walks beside me, barely keeping up with my determined pace. This whole thing makes her uneasy. I can tell by the slight hesitation in her stride as we draw closer to our destination. Uneasy or not, I'm glad she's with me. I seriously doubt he'll try anything but just on case... it makes me feel a bit more secure and what I have to do a little easier.

However, even I slow slightly when he comes into view. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all... But I have to know. The thought of Aaron, screaming from the discomfort of illness, is more than enough to make me forge onward. Let's get this over with.

I won't lie; seeing him sitting there, so confused and alone tugs painfully at my heart. Now I remember why I've been working so damn hard to avoid him. He doesn't even seem to realize that we're coming, though we are making no effort to say quiet. His face is void of emotion as he stares out at the horizon; empty. It hurts more than I thought it would and certainly more than I'd like to admit.

After what seems like forever, we finally reach him. I find that everything I was planning to say is caught in my throat. Putting my hand to my mouth daintily I cough to clear it and he acknowledges us at last, turning his grey eyes towards us. Once they were so full of life. I remember getting lost in them. Now they are dull and lifeless.

The surprise he feels at seeing me of all people beside him shows blatantly on his features. I think I see a hint of a smile flicker across his lips but I can't be quite sure. The way it doesn't quite reach his eyes is completely unfamiliar to me.

"Claire..." he says with inquiry and disbelief. I nod my head by way of greeting but purposely don't offer more pleasantries. I don't want him to get the wrong idea; I don't want him to think he's been forgiven. The wounds of distrust still sting me. No, he hasn't earned my forgiveness yet. It will take more time.

But this isn't about us. Right now, Aaron's safety is more important.

"Charlie," I begin, "I have something very important to ask you."

His face is starting to brighten as I talk. The light I see forming there makes my heart bloom and flutter automatically but I somehow manage to ignore it. I know I'll have to tell him that I'm still not read to have any kind of relationship with him. This puts a damper on things.

Charlie stands from his perch on a large rock. He's waiting expectantly for me to go on and I oblige. I want to get this done before I do feel tempted to give into him.

"Aaron's sick-" I say. He cuts me off, instantly panicked.

"What's wrong? Is he okay?" Charlie asks in spite of himself. His concern touches me but I refuse to let it show.

To quell his worry I reply, "I think so. Jack says it's just a cold."

I'm lying. I have no idea if Aaron will be okay or what's wrong with him. Charlie's worry is only a small fraction of that which is raging inside me. I'm positive he can tell I'm holding back from him but he appears understanding and quiets down.

"I need you to tell me everything you remember from when Ethan took us," I say, getting to the reason I came to talk to him in the first place. His brow furrows at my question. Clearly, this isn't what he was anticipating.

"Please," I add. My eyes are pleading. He looks deeply into them for a moment while I stare back. I can't stop myself. Finally, he nods slowly.

"Of course. But I should warn you, I don't remember much," he responds.

"It's okay," I reply, "I'm grateful for anything you can tell me."

Keeping the icy, business-like edge in my voice is becoming increasingly difficult.

He doesn't speak right away. Instead he brings a hand up to his mouth to chew thoughtfully on his nail. Impatience runs hot in my veins but I bite my tongue, allowing him time to think.

"Well, he knocked you out first," he starts suddenly, "I tried to stop him but he was too fast." His face is apologetic; he feels responsible. I don't blame him. Ethan died trying to get me back. He probably wouldn't have been stopped by one man, especially one caught off-guard.

"Then he hit me and I went down but I wasn't unconscious. I figured the best hope of helping you was to play dead. I suppose I was pretty convincing because he dragged us off."

Charlie stops after this, collecting his thoughts and trying to string his memories together in the right order.

"A little while later, he put a bag over my head but I could hear other voices. Ethan wasn't alone. Then he picked me up again and brought me inside somewhere. I don't know if they brought you to the same place," he recalled. This wasn't really helping me figure things out.

"I heard voices outside the door of where I was being kept but I couldn't make out what they were saying. The door opened and I assumed they'd decided what to do with me. That's when I made my first attempt at escape but obviously I was outnumbered."

He hangs his head, ashamed of the fact that he was unable to rescue me from these "Others". I almost put my hand on his arm to let him know that it wasn't his fault but as much as I want to do this, I can't. I just can't let him back in. Not yet.

"And..." I encourage gently.

"Next thing I knew, they were hanging me by my neck. I was blindfolded but... I could hear you screaming. You were yelling my name but in my current position I couldn't really do much," he finished. "That's all I remember."

Charlie shrugs helplessly at the disappointment evident in my demeanor. The only thing useful he has told me is that he was kept inside somewhere. Perhaps the Others have another hatch like Locke's. My mind becomes occupied with the possibilities and my various options. I have to admit that I have no idea what to do next. My powerlessness is frustrating beyond belief.

"Thanks," I say simply, turning on the spot to leave. I have to find a solution. My son is depending on me.

The sound of Charlie's voice makes me pause. He did what I asked. The least I can do is listen to him for a moment.

"Claire," he whispers just loudly enough for me to hear. I face him again and Kate looks at me, silently wondering if she should intervene. I shake my head. This is going to be awkward enough without her hovering. Luckily, she takes the hint and walks on a bit further up the beach, close enough so that I can still feel safe but not so close as to intrude.

"What is it, Charlie?" I ask. My arms are crossed over my chest, guarding my emotions; or maybe to keep me from hugging the man in front of me who is so clearly broken.

"I know this probably isn't the best time," he replies, his eyes on the ground and his voice barely audible, "But I just really want you to understand how sorry I am. I never wanted to hurt you. I would have done everything-"

My hand shoots up, a symbol of my need for him to stop. I can't hear this yet. I know in my heart that Charlie is a good person but that doesn't mean I can ignore his actions. He seems even more downhearted, if that's possible, by my reaction.

"I'm sorry too," I relent, "Still, you need to understand that I need space. Whether you meant to or not, you did hurt me."

He gazes into my eyes again and the light that was restored there by our conversation has already faded. This lends credence to his claim but doesn't change what I have to do.

Breaking our eye contact, I exit before my resolve dissipates. I can feel him watching my retreating back and I know he is even more lost than before I approached him. It's my fault and eventually I'll make it right but now, I need to save Aaron.

- -- --- --//TEH END//-- --- -- -


End file.
